Burn Out

I’m sat on a camping chair by a stunning lake, something that Monet would have painted!

I’m dressed in my swimming costume and dry robe.

It’s not a warm day neither is it freezing.

More women and a scattering of men have gathered, ready to emerge themselves in cold water.

I noticed a whispered hush around the lake. I’m told by my friend that this lake is assigned for quiet dipping!

I sat staring not really feeling anything. Other than an exhaustion that consumes my whole body and mind.

My dear friend held my hand and with tears in her eyes said “You look broken”

I reacted immediately and said

“I’m not broken I’m just a little bruised”

“Don’t cry for me I’ll be ok!”

At that I strip of the heavy warm dry robe and say” I’m going in”

Obviously avoiding any further awkward conversation pertaining to my state of mind!!

I tentatively walk down the old wooden steps. The cold creeps up my legs. I launch out into the lake, I gasp as the chilly water seeps into my skin.

I think of nothing but moving my limbs. I notice the pale pink flowers pointing out of the lily pads.

There’s an island of them and I swim around them.

With each breast stroke my finger tips touch the edge of a pad.

I hear people talking and want to tell them to “be quiet” “don’t you know this is a quiet lake?”

I swim around till my body tells me that I am cold and need to leave the sacred water.

I walk out and a young worker is boldly walking around the groups of people reminding them to be quiet!

My friend is now in the water so I try to get warm by putting on layers. I tell myself that I will go back in the l lake so I haven’t removed my soaking wet costume.

I sit shivering then remember that I cannot get warm with a wet costume cglinging to my skin.

By the time I am fully dry and wrapping myself in a blanket. A lunch has been prepared in front of me.

I am usually the feeder, but this act of delightful kindness makes me tear up.

I sit with a plate of deliciousness on my knee and a coot starts to pad towards me. The closeness of this water bird overwhelms me with emotion.

I fob all this emotion off to me being tired!

Then remember other soul friends telling me that I need to take time off before I am forced to!

I am disappointed in myself that I haven’t had a second dip.

I drive back from the lake almost in a daze. I know that my body and mind are exhausted as usually I would describe in detail my day to my hubby. Instead, I flopped on the bed and closed my eyes.

After a few days I meet up with more heart holding friends they repeated what they told me last time we met that I need to take time off. They’re persistence and concerned looks, makes me agree with them and so I say “I’ll take a couple of weeks off “

When I sit with my husband, who I work with on a voluntarily basis and share how I am really feeling. He grasps it and says “Take all the time you need,”

For the past 18 months I had been working a long side him, my vicar husband!

We had moved our lives, jobs and church where we had been living for 15 years.

I threw myself into everything. Leading prayer meetings, leading worship, hosting people who wanted to come on retreats.

I love people and new challenges so it didn’t feel like it was chore until it was!

Describing burn out is not easy.

I felt washed out, had brain fog and I wanted to hide from everyone.

Most days I sat watching tv, or walking by the sea desperately hoping that I wouldn’t bump into anyone I knew! I felt like I had no energy for anything.

I napped daily.

My lakeside heart holder and truth telling friend encouraged me to take ALL the time I needed off.

She also encouraged me to talk to a nurse to see if anything else was going on with my body!

Resting did not come easy to me.

I was brought up to do do do.

I believed wrongly that God loved me more, when I was serving Him.

So what would my relationship with God look like if I did nothing for Him?

I couldn’t go to home group or prayer meetings. I couldn’t cope with people talking.

When anyone would talk to me describing anything in detail, my brain would feel like cotton wool and I no longer could compute what they were saying!

My response to anyone close to me explaining anything in detail would be “ Your using too many words”

At the beginning of 2024 I had started to read the Bible through in a year. Why? I thought it’s a good Christian thing to do!!

I was six months in, literally reading chunks of scripture each day.

During my not doing anything period, I still wanted to tick off my readings for the day so I struggled on. One night I couldn’t sleep I felt God say to me “I want you to stop the Bible plan”

I screamed in my mind “I’m six months in, what am I supposed to do then?”

He said “ Read psalm 46:9 every day.

‘Be still and know that I am God.’

I immediately deleted the bible reading plan from my phone and it was like I had been given a spiritual pass!

All my life I have been told to read the bible and pray.

I read that verse daily in different versions until it sunk in.

Mostly I got the word over and over just ‘BE.’

I didn’t know how to do that.

I felt I had to go back to basics with God and re learn what it meant to be a follower of Jesus, a child of God.

I want to say that I have learnt the following but I know that this will be something I will have to continuously learn.

I do not have to earn his love or forgiveness or acceptance.

I have to just let Him love me,

A burden lifted when I accepted that I needed rest and accepted medical help.

For so long, I was accepting symptoms of menopause and trying to combat symptoms with natural remedies.

I started taking HRT and after a month started to slowly feel more like me again.

I continued not to do.

After another month I started letting people back in. I started seeing people again. It was nerve racking.

I didn’t know how to explain to anybody what I had been going through.

A soul friend described me as being a ship and the ship is in dock and it needs some work on it.

I took this picture and thought yes, I am in the dock and Jesus is taking the barnacles off me.

Then I realised that actually my ship needed a complete over haul.

I feel that these last few months the overhaul has been and will continue to be:

• Fear being demolished

• Religious spirit being stripped off.

• Striving needed to go overboard and drown.

• Opinions of others needed to be scrubbed off.

I needed to remember, I was firmly anchored in Jesus. No matter what I did or did not do for him.

I realise that this burn out or deconstruction was a time of me being rebuilt. I had to relearn so many things but through it all, I realise nothing was wasted.

Now as I re-launch I am learning to go slowly in the direction my captain wants me to take.

I am not rushing back into doing, I am learning a lot about self-care and that it is not selfish to take rest breaks and am still learning that I don’t have to say “Yes” to everybody”.